Adam and Taylor discuss the Lucas/Blakey suicide pact, Rachel disassembles DeMario into a series of pathetic little separate parts, tune in to Ellen this week to see where Jonathan hid the body, Alex's six pack can do a Rubik's cube, Peter is cooler than Miles Davis, Anthony is a gigantic pet rock, Kenny pushes the limits of fatherhood and Lee is a highly unethical mistake.
Adam and Taylor recount a monumental offseason encounter (hi Meg and Nick), Taylor thinks Ed Sheeran is hot and "rocks?" is a chore, Fred isn't happening, Merriam Webster spells it "Whaaaboooom," Blake doesn't understand percentages, everyone doesn't understand running, Bryan's cheeks are only skin deep, Copper has a serious funny injury, surely Kareem is piloting this basketball date, Dramario and Peter already won.
Side note from Adam: Woofstock > Barkfest. I'd even take Furrsteval or Pawrade.
Adam and Taylor start a historic season with a conspiracy theory, can you remember anyone from Nick's season besides Rachel and Corinne? men can't talk pick people up, none of these guys are classically pretty, Josiah's sob story isn't messing around, Wha goes Boom, Taylor's joke didn't land and one of these guys has a dark past with Rachel.
Here's our handy worksheet: https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BycPo2tx727DbVVTRHJUZUdSTEU/view?usp=sharing
Download Reality Royale and play our fantasy game: https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/reality-royale-fantasy-bracket-game-4-reality-tv/id1092823653?mt=8
Adam and Taylor welcome the End of the Road for season 8, one of these two women was just a sacrifice on the alter of Big Bachelor, Nick's "dad" has a very let's-get-along-for-the-kids look about him, Adam laments an angry lesson about engagement ring selection, Taylor recaps the franchise's bow-legged collapse and there are a lot of eggs in next season's basket.
Adam and Taylor stay up late to give the people what they want, tell someone about your experience with this show, Rachel (gasp, spoilers) doesn't win Nick but does win everything else, no one can cross-country ski, there's actual information that we are uniquely qualified to cover, Vanessa and Nick are either in love or in international warfare, Raven discovers her next post-TV job and the women tell all is a ridiculous misnomer.
Raccoon fight: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLguMiyUT6o
Adam and Taylor realize that this whole show only needs to be an hour every Monday, Andi the Dorf drops in to remind us how much royalties pay, Taylor's Power Rankings have an exciting final act, Nick publicly changes positions on sleeping with people, Adam still forgets about the producers and Raven goes to Finland to disclose that she's never done anything before.
*Editor's note: this episode confuses two of Hollywood's Jimmys, #Oscarfail. The reference to Jimmy Kimmel should have been to Jimmy Fallon. Watch his interview with Elijah Wood here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9jdocOpBPA
'Golden trio' of moves boosts chances of female orgasm, say researchers: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/feb/23/golden-trio-of-moves-boosts-chances-of-female-orgasm-say-researchers
Adam and Taylor have a rull noss tom going mudding in Stereotypical, Arkansas, Vanessa's family is noticeably un-Italian, Rachel's hometown date goes decently well for a person who can't possibly win, just imagine what a day in Corinne's mind would be like and head's up - there's a flash flood warning in Alameda county.
Adam and Taylor react to the most brutal elimination a Bachelor has ever made, Adam breaks down the differences between sexy, cute and gorgeous, Vanessa reminds everyone that she has a chokehold on this competition, Nick's the victim of his own awful decisions, nothing that's happening was expected and the newest Bachelorette is announced!
Adam and Taylor have a theory about why this episode was so wild, Kristina has a sister who has child and that's not even the start of it, Jasmine puts baby in an emotional corner then strangles him into making her leave, Raven allegedly got the least televised rose of all time and the predictions are the boldest they've ever been.
Adam and Taylor get into a dangerous multi-Taylor televised situation, Sarah and Jack would have fit on that door together, Rachel obliterates a one-on-one date, some dumb fake scary movie happened, the producers trick Adam again, Corinne and (TV) Taylor put the gloves back on for a second round and a creative new swear word is born.