Adam and Taylor tell stories of their own famous firsts, ABC beats that fed horse some more, Demi looks in the mirror and sees Chuck Norris, Alabama Hannah gets so excited she swallows her own tongue, Colton sure does shower a lot and the girls are already fighting.

Miss, for a dollar: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYvDfxHB4Xo

Wet Hot American Summer standup: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3fYaVCsLTo

Adam and Taylor mourn three hours of their life that aren't even coming back, good people grow up at least a little overweight, the bachelor mansion is swarmed with 23 year old blond pixies, Demi can shoot a gun with her spurs, two of these monsters both go by "Alabama Hannah," and Catherine just cut in on this recap to write something about herself.

Download the 25 to Life Night One Worksheet: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HTeMSw27zisVM4TbuKcB-V4hE_3liDQZ/view?usp=sharing

Don't Feed a Fed Horse: https://twitter.com/peta/status/1070066047414345729

Adam and Taylor take a trip to the Maldives to cry in front of Becca's family, Becca's mom lets Blake down easy, there's a 1:1 craftsisaster ratio on this program and don't worry, Becca makes it very clear that Blake has been winning this whole time.

Love to the Power of Love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7S1Cc0pquqM

Adam and Taylor mourn the ultimate robbery of Robbin' Season, Hot John does the math on Jordan's Tinder activity, Joe groces Taylor into watching Bachelor in Paradise, Colton is reduced to a single descriptor and to call any predictions "bold" at this point is insane.

Adam and Taylor welcome Hot John Graham into the studio to discuss his time on the Bachelorette, what he packed (hint: it's confidence), dating in reverse, which men he would take to the fantasy suite, being a celebrity on social media and tips for cooking breakfast for dinner.

Chef G's cooking show: http://www.kitchntalk.com/

Adam and Taylor reveal an enormous surprise that's happening tomorrow, it's hard to tell if Blake has real feelings or memorized a bunch of Dashboard Confessional lyrics, Jason strikes out on multiple intimacy compromises and Garrett will always remember that his first time with his wife was in a treehouse.

Adam and Taylor talk about Garrett's divorce, which is something Becca has never considered doing, apparently it's attractive to bring a date to a wing-eating contest,
Blake has been through a lot, Colton has a new maternal low in front of a national audience and Walt has a worse episode than you.

Adam and Taylor fly back to America to blast the lax research staff, Wills has no normal clothes, Colton's (probably) at least rounded third, Leo's best and worst quality is that he says what we're all thinking and Blake's mom slept with the basketball conch.

Adam and Taylor aren't convinced that Virginia is for anything, Jason murders his 1-on-1 date and not in a way that requires any cleanup, Chris and Lincoln take a televised suicide pact, comedy is the most human of the arts forms, Leo deserves better than this and it seems like it's been too long since we talked about Heavyweights.

Adam and Taylor break down at the end of the end of the road, David is a guy who falls out of the bed and that's just who he is, Colton's virginity takes a road trip through Nevada for a pretty weak joke, Jordan is a winner and a loser at the same time and Chris commits suicide by hubris.

Editor's note: Adam blatantly misrepresented the Celsius/Fahrenheit conversion, it's hard.